50 Shades of Varrick
by Othellia
Summary: When Zhu Li's roommate Ginger falls sick, it's up to Zhu Li to interview the notorious CEO of Varrick Global Industries Holdings Enterprises Etc. (50 Shades of Grey as told with Varrick and Zhu Li, obvious crack fic)


**A/N: I am both sorry for this fic and at the same time REGRET NOTHING. Marked as complete, but might update with random, not completely linear chapters as inspiration hits.**

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Zhu Li walked through halls of Varrick Global Industries Holdings Enterprises, Inc., taking in the professionalism of the staff with silent approval. The company's name was a bit of a cumbersome mouthful though. She was surprised no one had suggested a revision yet.

She held her notebook with all her interview questions clutched tightly in front of her. Not that she needed the cheat sheet. When her roommate, Ginger, had fallen sick and asked Zhu Li to take her place, Zhu Li had taken her request very seriously. She'd researched both Mr. Iknik Blackstone Varrick and his enormous company in numerous business articles, had checked out his official autobiography from the university library, and had looked over and memorized everything that Ginger had previously planned on asking him.

She'd been up rather late last night, interrogating Ginger as she suffered through the worst bits of her cold, clarifying what her roommate was hoping to learn from certain questions and tossing out others completely.

"I hardly see how questioning his sexuality is in anyway either relevant or appropriate," Zhu Li had said in a monotone while Ginger proceeded to hack up a lung next to her.

"Geesh," the red-haired girl said when she'd finally been able to breathe again. "It's called gossip, Zhu Li. If you weren't such a wet blanket, you'd know that. He's hot, he's rich, he's single. It's practically my holy duty to let the girls of the city know if we even have a chance or not."

Zhu Li hadn't even bothered to grace that with a response before she'd crossed it off the list.

Back in the present, one of Varrick's secretaries led Zhu Li into a rather fancy office that overlooked most of the city. A fancy, empty office.

Zhu Li turned towards the secretary for an explanation.

The secretary's face fell. "Oh dear… umm… It looks like Mr. Varrick is… Please wait here. I'll be right back."

Zhu Li took a seat in one of the two guest chair and waited patiently. She thought back to the various photos and articles she'd read through beforehand. Varrick hadn't seemed like he was an especially serious man. If it hadn't been well documented that Varrick had built his company from the ground up, Zhu Li would've assumed that he was some sort of trustfund baby and CEO in name only. His arm was constantly around a new woman of the week, and PR nightmares seemed to pop up in every other interview. When she actually thought about it, some of Ginger's risqué questions might've actually suited the playboy CEO just fine.

Too bad Zhu Li happened to care about tiny things like personal integrity.

A commotion from the hallway made her straighten her back. She stood as the door opened.

"Joo Dee! I told you I didn't need anymore interruptions!" barked a male voice from behind a towering stack of papers and rolled-up schematics. There was no earthly way he could see where he was walking.

"But sir, you had it on your calendar. I only-"

"Did I confirm it three times?"

"Well, I… no, just twice, but-"

"Joo Dee, how many time to I have to tell you!? Unless I confirm something three times, it's not confirmed at-"

He'd barely made it a step into his own office before he tripped. His arms flailed wildly as he fell, and his papers and schematics went flying.

Judging by his clothes and perfectly coifed hair, the man now sprawled out on the floor was Varrick. He groaned and slowly pushed himself up on his elbows. Then he paused, his and Zhu Li's eyes finally connecting. They both blinked at each other, Zhu Li slow and measured, Varrick rapid and baffled.

Varrick recovered first, springing to his feet in a single swoosh.

"Joo Dee, you're fired!" he yelled, whipping his head at the black haired woman who had been hovering anxiously by the door.

"B-b-but…" Her flustered face quickly cracked into panicked mortification.

"And I hate stuttering! Out!"

The woman burst into tears and fled the room.

Zhu Li was alone with Varrick. His papers were still scattered across the floor, but he didn't seem to notice them. He put his fingers on his chin as his eyes swept Zhu Li up and down. He clicked his tongue against his teeth, making small tssking sounds of disapproval.

"Nope," Varrick finally said. Sorry, but I wouldn't even dream of it, kid."

"Excuse me," Zhu Li asked. She was utterly confused, but still managed to keep her tone and face straight.

"The position. You're not cut out for it. Just too… flat. Too mousey."

Irritation prickled beneath her skin at the unwarranted insults, but she fought it down. The rich could be as obnoxious as they wanted; she had a job to do.

"I'm not sure what you're referring to, but I'm not here for any position," Zhu Li said calmly. "I had an interview scheduled for my university paper. With you," she added as Varrick began glancing around the room for the mysterious stranger that she was obviously referring to.

"Well, why didn't you say so!?" Varrick burst out into large grin. He flopped backwards into his executive seat and plopped his expensive boots up on his even more expensive desk. "Not that I remember agreeing to do any interviews, but that's life for you. Right?"

"It would seem so, Mr. Varrick."

"Sit! Sit!" Varrick said, waving his hand frantically at the chair where Zhu Li'd been sitting earlier.

Zhu Li smoothed out her long skirt. Perhaps it would be best if she… No, she might as well launch straight into the questions.

"What would you say have been the greatest hallmarks for your success," she asked as she opened her notebook and readied her pen.

"Greatest hallmarks… well, being born for starters didn't hurt!"

He laughed raucously at his own joke. Zhu Li wondered if she should've cracked a smile, indulged him in some shape or fashion. Unfortunately, her mouth wasn't in the mood for humor and didn't seem to want to even twitch. Varrick's face fell when it was clear she wasn't joining in.

"Not one for the jokes, are you?" he said, sounding mildly displeased but not outright offended. "Alright, fine. Serious answer."

The answer started off generic enough. It started to ramble and fall apart a bit when he started talking about an old ostrich horse he'd once owned and the following adventures he'd had with it. Zhu Li wrote every word down in her personalized shorthand. Ginger could edit it into coherence later.

"Thank you, Mr. Varrick. Now for a more personal question…"

"Ah, the best kind of questions. Fire away."

"When you received your first acquisition offer from the Bowing Corporation for 15.8 million yuans, what went through your mind when you turned it down?"

"When I did what now?"

"When you turned down your first major acquisition offer," Zhu Li repeated. "You could have retired for life with that much money, but you kept working instead. Did you know that you'd be able to turn Varrick Global Enterprise Hold-" She paused, forgetting the exact order of the name. "... your company into the world leader in innovation that it is today?"

"How do you even know that?"

"It was written in your official biography, Mr. Varrick."

"Wait, you actually read that thing?!"

"I thought it was appropriate, given your busy schedule and what a rare opportunity it was to meet with you."

"Eesh," he said, his face mildly twisting in disgust. "Well, hallmark number two for success… Uh, what was it again?"

He didn't specify what "it" was. Grammar suggested that he forgotten what he'd been about to say, but Zhu Li assumed he was referring to her name. She hadn't formally introduced herself.

"Zhu Li. Zhu Li Moon."

"Right. Well, hallmark number two for success, Zhu Li. Never trust anything you read in a book," he said. He wagged his finger at her for extra emphasis. "Who wrote that biography anyway? I should really have him fired."

"It was an autobiography, so you did, Mr. Varrick."

His eyes widened, but his shock only last a split second. Like all his other emotions so far, he quickly coated it over with a gooey layer of swagger. "Well, I guess they can't all be winners, can they?"

He stuck his hand out. "Here. Give me that…" He snapped his fingers. "-that thing."

There didn't seem to be any harm in it. Zhu Li was going to ask him all of the questions on her sheet eventually anyway. She handed it over, and Varrick yanked it out of her fingers. He held the paper three inches from his face as he began to peruse it.

"Boring. Boring. I don't even know what the hell you're talking about with this one. Boring. Boring…" He tossed the sheet of paper back and regarded her with a defeated expression. "Kid, you've gotta work on your interview skills. Are you really a journalism major? I mean, not to be rude, but I'd suggest a major re-evaluation of your career path."

"I'm not," Zhu Li, fighting the urge to grit her teeth in frustration. This was the last time she did a favor for her roommate. "I'm an engineering major."

Varrick blinked at her in confusion. "What," he said. "Then why are you doing the school paper?"

"My roommate was sick, Mr. Varrick. She was supposed to be the one interviewing you today."

"Is your roommate the only one running the paper?"

"Umm…" Her composure cracked slightly for the first time that day. "No?"

"Then why didn't they just get someone else from the paper who actually knows what they're doing?"

Now it was Zhu Li's turn to blink as her mind wandered off. She didn't like the base accusation; she had prepared for this interview perfectly well, thank you very much. She knew exactly what she was doing.

But at the same time, he did have a point. The university paper had dozens of reporters, all with vastly better social skills than her.

"I'm not sure…" she said slowly.

The two of them sat there in awkward fourth wall silence as the entire plot to 50 Shades of Really Anything fell apart beneath its non-sensical setup.

"Anyways," Varrick said suddenly, snapping Zhu Li back into the room. "Roommate. What does she look like?"

Of course. It figured. Varrick's had a reputation after all. The only reason Ginger had gotten this interview scheduled was because she'd probably sent in a headshot with the request.

"She has red hair. Kind of wavy. Cut short. Also she-"

"Yes!" Varrick exclaimed. "Now I remember her! Reporter from the university. Beauty mark to the right of her mouth. Brown eyes any man in his right mind could lose himself in… I remember agreeing to do an interview with her!" He narrowed his eyes at Zhu Li. "Why'd you come instead of her again?"

"She's sick, Mr. Varrick."

"Life and death sick though? Or just average sick?" Zhu Li was about to attempt a response when he cut her off, "Nevermind. Both are equally dangerous."

He stood and stretched, several joints in his arms and shoulders popping as he did so.

"Well, if that's it, it was nice talking to you," Varrick said cheerfully. He brushed past her before she even realized what was happening.

"Joo Dee!" he yelled as he knelt to pick up the previously forgotten, scattered papers. "Get her out of here!" His hands paused when his request wasn't instantly answered.

"You just fired-" Zhu Li started.

"Yes! I know I just fired her! You think I can't keep track of what employees I fire or not! Just… go away now. I've given you more than enough for your paper of yours."

"You only answered one question, Mr. Varrick."

"Well, it was the one question worth answering."

And that was that. Zhu Li debated whether or not to step on his papers as she left, but unfortunately her proper upbringing dictated that she stop and help.

"Oh, don't do that," Varrick said as she scooped up the nearest one. "You'll smudge the ink."

Zhu Li ignored him as she noticed the actual schematic drawn on the paper she'd picked up. It wasn't a copy, she realized, but an original. A hand-drawn original with countless scribbles and x's and explanations and counter-explanations. Everywhere her eyes glanced there was more detail. More thought. She was looking at a work of art. Pure, scientific art.

"Oi," Varrick was saying. "Let go. That's confidential property you're looking at. I can have my people sue you for this, you know."

Zhu Li's eyes continued to sweep over the whole, taking in the overall flow and purpose of the machine. When that was done, she began to focus in on individual parts. She hadn't taken in a full quarter of it when the paper was snatched from her hands. Her head cleared itself as she slowly re-entered a world she hadn't realized she'd left.

Varrick was currently glaring at her, clearly annoyed, his precious papers rolled up and cradled in his arms. He jerked his head in the direction of the door. A silent command to "GET OUT."

Zhu Li started to leave again and then paused, remembering one tiny yet crucial detail.

"There's a mistake," she said flatly.

"Okay, now you're just being irritating," Varrick said behind her. "There is no possible way you could-"

"Between the pressure regulator and the hydraulic baro-chambers. It doesn't take into consideration the effects of salt versus fresh water. If you do your tests with river water everything will seem fine, but the second it hits the open ocean that entire component will fall apart."

Silence was the only response that followed. Zhu Li risked a glance back. Varrick had unrolled open the paper; she watched his eyes dart back and forth across it. Slowly they began to widen.

Well, at least she would've ended this whole thing on a triumphant note.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Varrick," she said. She hadn't even reached the doorway when-

"Zhu Li, you're hired!"

Zhu Li froze. She turned.

"Hired?" she repeated blankly.

"For the position of my assistant." He looked confused at her confusion. "Isn't that what you came here for?"

Zhu Li blinked at him. It had to be all an act. It had to be. No one could truly be this brainless.

"You didn't fire your assistant until after I'd arrived, Mr. Varrick," she said simply.

"Did I?" He scratched chin as if really had to think back hard about it. "Oh, I guess I did, didn't I? Still. The offer stands."

Oh spirits. Maybe he was.

"Surely you can't be serious."

"I am always serious," he said defensively. He peered up at her. "Don't you want it?"

Zhu Li's mind was in overdrive now.

It wasn't like she was pressed for a job. Her university had a good reputation and she had been a good student. Zhu Li had several interviews lined up at Metalsoft, Bowing… from Yangtze she was expecting a response any day now. She had her pick of the mechanical litter so to speak.

To throw that all away to work for some kind of a mad man… ostensibly a genius assuming those schematics had been penned by him, but still very mad…

"You know nothing about my qualifications," Zhu Li said.

"Pssh, qualifications," Varrick said with a flippant wave of his hand. "I'll fill you in on qualifications later."

"That's not how… That's not how qualifications work."

"If I say that's how they work, then yes they do!"

"Good day, Mr. Varrick."

Zhu Li practically fled from the room and its bizarre occupant. Regardless of his fortune or his brain, she did not need that kind of person in her life. Ever.

She exited the building just as efficiently as she'd entered, nodding to the doorman on her way out.

She'd only gotten one answer from the interview, but it didn't matter. She'd extrapolate things from his biography to cover the rest. Based on their interactions today, Zhu Li knew if he pressed she'd have no trouble convincing him that he'd actually said those things. Maybe she'd even attempt to answer some of Ginger's more ridiculous questions.

As Zhu Li pulled out of the crowded parking garage and slowly made her way back onto the main streets she let out a pent up sigh. Her mind slowly began cataloguing the events of the past hour.

What the fuck had just happened.


End file.
